Thinking about thinking

 

Much is written and said in sociology about ‘reflecting’ and ‘being reflexive’. It is something I am told I do instinctively and habitually. However it is not something I recognise in myself.

I observe. I’ve always observed. I went on training about ‘Most Significant Change method of process evaluation.

In English, the Most Significant Change method of process evaluation is a way to working out, while a new policy or public service is being tried out, what people affected think is the most significant change that they personally would attribute to the new policy or service. The significance for me is that you get an early warning of unintended consequences. You also get the information needed to fine-tune the policy or public service while it is still in process rather than waiting until it’s all over and looking back to see what worked and what didn’t.

During the training, we were asked to test out one part of the method. I asked if I could observe and make notes of my observations because I was uncomfortable about my ability to learn what I wanted to learn about the method by being immersed.

I have two things I always do after observing.

I consciously relax my face and body and shut my eyes. I slow my breathing and when I feel relaxed I start to gently probe and feel whether anything seems to have fallen into a pattern.  Sometimes I begin to write or draw and as I do, my brain catches up and I look at what I’ve produced and realise that I am putting what I was feeling into thoughts on paper.

And I puzzle. Sometimes I puzzle before relaxing. Sometimes I puzzle immediately after as I look at what I have put on paper. Sometimes it is a completely different time. I puzzle away with a furrowed brow, usually leaning forward, elbows on table, hands together and index fingers tapping each other and gliding against my lips. Or elbows on table, hands in a loose fist, base of thumbs against chin, tips of thumbs by lips, rhythmically and rapidly rocking from my elbows so I get gentle repeated pressure on my chin. Then the deep breath out, pause in movement, deeper furrow, and either repeat the rocking process or start to draw or write. Or I decide I have tried the puzzling route and it isn’t working. I make coffee. I go for a sauna. I lift heavy weights. An answer that satisfies me or at least moves my thinking forward may come – or it may not.

I can recognise what I do when I relax as the process other people describe when they say they are being reflexive. And I guess that the outputs of my relaxing are similar to the outputs of people who have talked about being reflexive.

But my dominant method of thinking is puzzling. I can be quite the dog with a juicy bone as I puzzle. I am unsocial, impatient, demanding and cannot bear to be interrupted. There is none of the gentle, dare I say hippy, connotation I have of ‘reflecting’. And there is none of the feelings that I associate with ‘being reflexive’ which for me at least is a far more consciously cerebral activity. When I puzzle, I am rooted in trying to make sense of what I am observing. The closest representation I have ever seen of what I do is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FSKTndbwVo, down to Sherlock’s shaking the rapid stream of thoughts out of his head as he finds them lacking. If you watch the clip, you will see why I describe myself as unsocial etc when I am in puzzling mode.

So what of this piece of writing? It is not me relaxing. It is not me puzzling. It is me typing out something that doesn’t need puzzling but did need me to put into words so I can see it at a glance rather than keep it in my head. Sometimes it’s easier to think when it is in words on a screen – or on paper. Maybe this is my bit of reflecting and being reflexive. Who knows? I really can’t work out how non-autistic people think, so I find it hard to connect with their words for thinking. 

Feedback, as always, most welcome.