Courage! (or Game On part 2)

With thanks to Womens Equality Network for accepting me on the 2020 Mentoring programme. 
It's working (!)

I have a problem.

I over-think.

And I am over-critical of my self (and everyone else!)

And my instinct is always to assume something is my fault until proven otherwise.

Nothing makes that problem kick in like saying something you think is self-evident or a non-issue, and it being received as something jaw-droppingly serious.

Normally I'd be straight down that overthinking spiral with nothing solid to grasp and stop my fall.

But recently this has begun to change.

I have reached the point in learning to be an academic where I know the strength of the evidence behind what I say (or lack of) and the courage to stand, and either hold my ground or gracefully acknowledge that I misspoke without it affecting my self-worth. And I can explain why personal experience has a strength of its own that demands the right to be treated seriously independent of research evidence. I no longer accept the dismissive 'Oh, that's just you', and I am learning to refute it calmly and strongly when I hear it.

Yesterday. I said something casually. It was received as a serious issue needing action by someone with power to take action. Adrenalin and the familiar 'argh! What have I done?!' kicked in almost immediately.

I scanned my memory to imagine evidencing what I had said to my satisfaction. Had I exaggerated? Misled? Nope. Was I relying on heresay? Nope. Could I assemble a written evidenced answer swiftly if needed? Yep.

I checked with others how what I had said might affect them. And, to be honest, I was looking for a bit of external reassurance too.

I started this blog with the title 'courage' because it felt as if I'd needed courage to own what I'd said yesterday. Courage is the ability to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. It has certainly taken all my courage in the past to come through situations like this. But not today.

Unpacking it, perhaps it's less a case of needing courage, and more a new-found confidence. Who I am is enough. Not perfect. Enough. What I know is not perfect. It is enough.

Perhaps it is time to stop hiding and start taking a stand.