Belonging in the academic world

A tale in two parts.

Part 1: They were not my tribe 

(After presenting a paper at an academic conference, December 2017)

I went,

High expectations of belonging.

And they did not reject me

but I could not __________

‘Could not’ what?

Understand? Value? Get? Communicate? Find common ground? Respect? Look up to?

No word feels accurate.

I’m fumbling for the word that feels right.

When I say ‘They are not my tribe’, I do not criticise.

I simply recognise my discomfort, the discomfort of wearing shoes that are not mine.

I can wear the shoes, but there is no comfort or sense of ease.

I need to hunt the shoes that will not blister, that mould to the shape of my feet as I wear them.

I thank the ‘not my tribe’ who I met.

I value them for opening my eyes to things I could not see for myself.

-        my weakness, my arrogance, my assumptions

-        my failure to ‘think thesis’

-        my need for a tribe within the wild west of sociological frontier territory. 

I need a tribe. I am not a solitary animal.

They were not my tribe. And so

I grieve,

I move on,

I keep seeking.

Part 2: Coming home

(Another year, another conference)

Today I found my academic tribe.

It is not a tribe of methodology. It is not a tribe of topic. It is the tribe of the neurodivergent. 

It is my tribe because I don't have to worry about how to present myself. It's where I can be myself among academics. 

I have an academic tribe. I am content.