And breathe!
I know I’ve pushed for too long when my skin flares up, my
brain starts to fragment and my breathing is consistently shallow.
It feels as if I’m held together by tension, and if I relax,
I may just disintegrate.
So it is definitely time to breathe. And relax my jaw. And
experience the moment. And drop by shoulders.
Look at me! Even my relaxation turns into a list of and,
and, and. Pressure upon pressure upon pressure. Rush, rush, rush.
Recently I have been spending a lot of time ‘in role’ and
not much time ‘being me’. Being ‘in role’ is about performing, delivering,
doing. ‘Being me’ is about finding that still point where I just am, and the
response you get from me is the same whoever you are and whatever the context.
I have an ambivalent relationship with roles and being. I
think roles make me more efficient. They help me focus, achieve and deliver. I
like being ‘in role’ because I like achieving. Being in role also lets me do
things that I struggle to face doing when I am ‘being me’. It’s the same for my
daughter. When she has to do something that feels impossible for her, she hunts
for a persona she is comfortable to put on that sees tasks like that as pleasurably
simple. I achieve ‘in role’ by using props
like how I dress, sensory inputs (a smell, a taste, a texture) and how I hold
my body. She achieves ‘in role’ by
imagining herself that person.
Being ‘in role’ has its dangers. Stay in roles too long and
I forget who I am. It takes me an age to slow and deepen my breathing and find
that spot where I just am. Until I have found that spot, I don’t process
emotions.
Weeks like the last few weeks have required me to play
several different roles, often within the same day. I’ve had very little time
to switch between roles. This exacerbates
the dangers of being ‘in role’. When I am in a role, I don’t make connections
between that role and what happens when I am in different roles. So it’s hardly
surprising that I start to feel disconnected from myself and overwhelmed. When
I do stop there are so many competing demands on my time, emotions and brain. There
is just so much stuff to integrate and connect within me.
As I said, I play roles because that is how I am efficient,
and how I manage to do things that I don’t feel capable of doing as me. But,
perhaps, I am prioritising efficiency at the expense of being effective. I am
less likely to contribute anything uniquely me when I am ‘in role’. I am more
likely to adopt the processes and thinking that goes with that role, so come up
with an efficient solution or output. My most effective work comes from me seeing
situations differently, and therefore responding differently. And that only
happens when I drop the role-playing and I am ‘being me’.
In some situations, I now ask whether we are going to
interact in our roles, or as our whole selves. That’s my equivalent of asking
people whether they want to leave their job title at the door. In my mind, this
is also equivalent to asking people whether they want to collaborate (efficient
work done ‘in role’) or coproduce (effective work that flows from ‘being who we
are’).
Of course, for me, there’s the whole added dimension of
living with a committee in my head. Being ‘in role’ is different from handing
control to different internal people. But when I/we spend too much time in
role, we lose our close internal cooperation and start to fragment. But that’s
for another blog.
For now - just breathe.
