The Four Whys

I have an ambiguous relationship with the word ‘why’. Some I love. Some provoke a strong reaction against the question or a 'rabbit in the headlights' freeze where my brain has no idea how to process or understand the question. 

So here we go with the Four Whys

1. There’s the criticising why of ‘Why didn’t you do the washing up?’
2. There’s the being curious (and autistic) why of ‘Why didn’t you do the washing up?’.
3. There’s the a-ha moment why of ‘This is why you didn’t do the washing up.’
4. There’s also the condemnatory ‘This is why you didn’t do the washing up’

And, yes, you spotted correctly. Sentences 1 and 2 are identical. Sentences 3 and 4 are identical. And there's not much difference between 1/2 and 3/4 as words on the page.

And yet the four sentences have four very different meanings of why.

Understanding why there are four whys involves unpacking some of what goes on with communication that goes way beyond words on a page. 

In all communication, meaning is a glorious combination of:

• Words 
• Intonation 
• Body language 
• Culture 
• Past experience between the two people
• Past experiences with other people
• Current context 
• Current emotions 
• Current energy, resilience and health 
• Other things occupying the person’s mind

Clear communication that reaches a shared understanding of the meaning of a sentence depends on two people decoding and interpreting all of these in a more-or-less the same way. 

It is hardly surprising there is so much mis-communication in the world, and that's even before we start thinking about the challenge of communicating across neurotypes. 

I've found the most helpful approach in all situations is to assume good intent and to be curious. I would prefer to get it wrong that way than by assuming ill intent when none is meant. 

I find it wonderful how frequently everyday good-enough communication occurs when people have a desire to communicate. 

And, as an aside, I'm not posthumously diagnosing Erving Goffman as Autistic (although I guess I am). However, if he was autistic and had written Presentation of Self in Everyday Life as a guide for other autistic people on navigating social relationships, he couldn't have done a better job. It transformed my ability to choose when and how to make others feel at ease in different social settings rather than them feeling awkward at my social awkwardness.